if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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