Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
