Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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