I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
