I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
