my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
