So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
