I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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