My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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