We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
