please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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