as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
