So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
