I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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