Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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