the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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