im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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