sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
