R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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