you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
