I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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