I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
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You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
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For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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