first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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