i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
