Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she peed on how many people?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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