I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
