Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
