it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
