I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
