Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
