I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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