I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
