:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
