You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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