I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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