When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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