you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
