Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
