Fine. I'll sleep in my office
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
