Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
