party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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