I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
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