Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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