I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
