There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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