lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
