I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
