You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
