I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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