Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
