He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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