Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
