It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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