I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
