so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
