we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
