i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
