life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
